Saturday, March 13, 2010

Why Do I feel this way??

So, Today my really good friend gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby girl!
I am suppose to be happy right??
Thats not the case!
The whole time i was @ the hospital I had to hold back me tears!
I didnt even want to hold her!
Because it hurt so stinking bad!
I want to be able to hold my baby girl or boy.
I want people to come visit to me in the hospital!
Crazy to say, but i want to spend a few days in the hospital!!
I watched my friend get excited about the birth of her child, and all i could do was cry inside...
I smile big, and I act happy, but really I am not!
It hurt so bad to be in the maturnity wing, seeing all of the smiling mommies, and the crying babies.
Out of the 3 years that we have been trying this was the hardest day in my life! I kept it in until we got to our car, and I just cried like a baby...
My husband tried his best to cheer me up. it worked for a little bit.
But I still feel this void...
I want a child of my own!!!
After we left the hospital, we went and ran sn errans!
Our firends asked us to come back to the hospital, so we did!
I put my big girl panties on and held the baby...
my heart melted!
Hearing those coos, and feeling her breath didnt make it worst.
It made me remeber that GOD knows what he is doing... It made me remember his promis!
He knows the wants and the needs of my heart!
I just need to remember to put HIM first, and put ALL of my trust in him...
He wont let me down!
I just need to be patient...
So, On monday I am making an appointment for me and my husband, to see a specialist..
We want toget an SA done..
I want to get back on the Prometrium pills, and clomid... Like i did 2 yearsd ago! And I did ovulate, so that was good.
We do want to do things as natural as possible, but nothing is wrong with doing one cycle with help!
along with that I will be working out and dieting!
I dont want to get to crazy, or a head of myself!

No comments:

Post a Comment