I have been so emotional since my step son has been here. I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me, but i am not myself! I am out of my element! Its weird, I am around babys and kids all the time on sunday... and I love them to death... Its so easy for me to bond with them, but with him its so hard! Everything changed so suddenly! Im so use to being able to help out at the church, or go do what i want, but now i cant! I know, I know, its going to be like that when i have kids... but they will be MY kids, my flesh and blood, and thats what I want!! I feel bad for feeling this way, but he isnt my kid! maybe i am feeling this way because i am not use to him being here. like i said in my other entry, if he was in our life from the beginning it would be easier. And to top it off when my step son was here the last time, my husband and I had a falling out over his ex. I found text messages on his phone that they were sending back and forth.. my husband and her were basically trying to get back with eachother... he told her that he wanted to be a family again... so i still dont trust my husband, and i sure as hell dont trust him around the ex... so to me i feel like SS *Stepson* brings back all those feeling they had for eachother... Shw wants my husband still, and as far as im concerned my husband feels the same way. We have talked it over, and he says he was caught up in the moment... but i still dont trust him, or her.
Then I start to think about when we have our kids... Will my husband love them as much as he loves his son? I asked my husband a few months ago if he is going to cry when our first is born.. and his answer was, No, it wont be my first, i have been there and done that! I was so surprised when he said that, and i was hurt too. I dont know, i just hate the way i feel right now! I see other blended families and they seem so happy. So why cant i?
maybe once i have my own kids it will be easy. But i wish we could share the birth of our first together, but instead it will be my first, his second...
I hate feeling this way.
Let me know if you all are tired of reading about this... lol i will stop talking about it!