Is he going to feel the same way?

I have been so emotional since my step son has been here. I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me, but i am not myself! I am out of my element! Its weird, I am around babys and kids all the time on sunday... and I love them to death... Its so easy for me to bond with them, but with him its so hard! Everything changed so suddenly! Im so use to being able to help out at the church, or go do what i want, but now i cant! I know, I know, its going to be like that when i have kids... but they will be MY kids, my flesh and blood, and thats what I want!! I feel bad for feeling this way, but he isnt my kid! maybe i am feeling this way because i am not use to him being here. like i said in my other entry, if he was in our life from the beginning it would be easier. And to top it off when my step son was here the last time, my husband and I had a falling out over his ex. I found text messages on his phone that they were sending back and forth.. my husband and her were basically trying to get back with eachother... he told her that he wanted to be a family again... so i still dont trust my husband, and i sure as hell dont trust him around the ex... so to me i feel like SS *Stepson* brings back all those feeling they had for eachother... Shw wants my husband still, and as far as im concerned my husband feels the same way. We have talked it over, and he says he was caught up in the moment... but i still dont trust him, or her.

Then I start to think about when we have our kids... Will my husband love them as much as he loves his son? I asked my husband a few months ago if he is going to cry when our first is born.. and his answer was, No, it wont be my first, i have been there and done that! I was so surprised when he said that, and i was hurt too. I dont know, i just hate the way i feel right now! I see other blended families and they seem so happy. So why cant i?

maybe once i have my own kids it will be easy. But i wish we could share the birth of our first together, but instead it will be my first, his second...

I hate feeling this way.

Let me know if you all are tired of reading about this... lol i will stop talking about it!

I just can't shake this feeling

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and in those 3 years His son came to visit us twice! I would say that the combined visits adds up to about a month, thats not alot. My husband and I talked about me bonding with his son, he tells me that sometimes he feels like i dont love his son, which is not true! I love him, its just that i dont know him! I am not use to him being around, things are still awkward between us! Yes he calls me mom, but sometimes i feel like my husband forces him to call me mom, my husband will force him to tell him that he loves me! I want him to do it on his own terms, not because dad tells him to. And sometimes I feel jealous of their bond... I wish I had a child that i could hold and love on... I cant believe that i am saying that I am jealous of my own husband! but I am... I am so afraid to tell my husband how i feel. I dont want to be the step mom that hates their step kids. I had one of those, and it sucked! I think that if Ryan was here from the beginning things would be different. I want to be a good mother figure, but its going to take some time. I should really talk to my husband about my feelings. As soon as i do, i will let you all know how the conversation went!

Scrapbooking

My latest obession! I love it, it keeps my mind of alot! I worry ALOT, and it keeps me busy.

So far i have done about 6 or 7 scrap pages! And I thought i would share them with you... But before I do let me tell you the meaning behind this scrapbook and why it is so important to me. As we all know I am trying to concieve (Duh!). Well someone told me i should start a scrapbook for my son (I know I am having a boy first). She made a scrapbook for her future husband, and it is just amazing! So she gave me a whole bunch of boy scrapbooking things... and let me tell you ever since then have been obessed! I love it... the cool thing is, the only thing i will have to do is adhere the pictures when he is born and stuff! *Look at me talking like he is already here! So here we go, my scrap pages!!! Nehemiah James Will be his name! Yes, I am missing the "H"!! This was my first scrap page.

This page says "When We Found Out" LOL my scrapping was horrible!

Just a simple scrap page!

Hey, look! Im getting a little better!!! I added this poem!

"A Father's Prayer

Lord I'm askin� for Your help
To raise my newborn son,
Give me strength and guide me
�Cause I know that You're the one.

That sent this angel to me
A little heaven here on earth,
For now I know my place in life...
I'm no longer who comes first.

Once I had no answer
As to why it is I'm here,
But when I looked into my baby's eyes....
It all became so clear.

This little bit of heaven
Owns me, heart and soul
And it's You that sent him to me
A greater love I'll never know.

So take these rugged hands of mine
Help me to understand,
Just what it is I need to do
To raise this little man.

Help me build a boy that knows
It's You that holds the key,
To all that heaven holds for us
Show him Your love through me.
"

Mommy & ME!!! I forgot what quote i used lol!

This has to be my favorite page. I have this lovely quote

" "A newborn baby has only three demands. They are warmth in the arms of its mother, food from her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her presence. Breastfeeding satisfies all three"



And this is another one of my favorite scrap pages that I did!!!

Test

Testing
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Excited, Nervous, and Sad... all at the same time

I am writing this blog post as I watch ANTM... I dont think I am really feeling these ladies!! LOL I dont like Catty, Ghetto girls!! ugh! I also havent been feeling well as well... I have been having these waves of nausea... It sucks! I am not getting my hopes up about might being pregnant, but There is a STONG possiblity!!!

Lets get to why I am really writing the entry... Here is alittle back history about me... When I was 5 years old, my mother passed away! that was almost 17 years ago. I grew up with the best father, and amazing sisters ever! My dad and my sisters are my best friends, and my dad tried his best to be a mother and a father! in my opinion, he was the best!! Well, eventually I met patrick, and we got married! I took that really hard, because my mother will NEVER get to meet my husband, she will never see me happy and in love... But for some reason, when i think about becoming a mom it hurts me more... I am so excited to become a mother, and all the nervousness comes along with it... but it makes me sad... I will have to let my kids know that that their grandma passed away a long time ago... In the middle of the night when my babies are crying, and I dont know what to do, I wont be able to call my mom...

I dont know, I just feel like i missed out on alot of things in life, being able to tell my mom I love her... the fact that she wont be in the delievery room with me, or plan my baby shower hurts me... I know she is up in heaven watching me... but it still is very sad... Eventually I will give you all my history! Let you all know where i came from....

Here is a picture of my BEAUTIFUL mommy, and my older sister!! We love you and miss you so much mom!!
Alicia Latonya Hill
1962-1993

My older sister Ebonee, My second mom! After my mom died she helped dad raise us... The She is the best sister anyone could ask for!! She is a wonderful mom, and I hope to be a good mom like her! her and my niece and nephew are my heart!!

Tierra-ology

FOODOLOGY:

What is your salad dressing of choice? Ranch, or honey mustard... or money hustard... lol i sometimes say that!

What is your favorite sit-down restuarant? Tomatoe Street

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? ummm... hmmm.... Subway?

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Sweet ans sour chicken

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Pepperoni

How many televisions are in your house? 2 (what does this have to do with food?)<---- LOL I know right?!

What color cell phone do you have? black... But it has a pink hardcase over it
BIOLOGY:

Are you right-handed or left-handed? right

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? nope

What is the last heavy item you lifted? Call me spoiled but I dont lift heavy things! lol my hubby does! I did however lift and move the microwave!

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? nah

Have you ever fainted? no

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? not at all

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I love my name so no

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? to many to count
Last person you talked to? Huns buns

FAVORITOLOGY:

Season? spring and summer

Holiday? Christmas
Day of the week? Saturday

Month? July
Color? pink

Drink? agua!

Alcoholic? no! I have had 2 drinks since my 21st bday! which was in july!
CURRENTOLOGY:

Missing someone? yes

What are you listening to? Americas next top model
What are you watching? same as above

Worrying about? Nothing right now!
What’s the last movie you saw? Precious
Do you smile often? yes

If you could change your eye color what would it be? I love my eye color!
What’s on your wish list for your birthday? To be preggo! if I get pregnant this month i will be around 4 months pregnant!

Can you do a chin-up? nope

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? It makes me very excited!
Have you been in a car wreck? no i havent
Have you caused a car wreck? no
Do you have an accent? nope! unless you consider a valley girl accent as an accent?! LOL

Last time you cried? Today

Plans tonight? just to relax and paint with the bubs!
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? oh yeah

Name three things you bought yesterday? Shaving cream, candy, dinner

Have you met someone who changed your life? def, my baby

For the better or worse? better

How did you bring in the New Year? we were at church!!

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? to get to know my mom! She died when i was 5

What songs do you sing in the shower? omg! what dont i sing in the shower?

Have you held hands with someone today? yes

Who was the last person you took a picture of? my baby sis

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? new!

Do you like pulpy orange juice? no
Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? omg, its been forever

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? sleeping
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? thank you GOD for letting me see another day!

Why Do I feel this way??

So, Today my really good friend gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby girl!

I am suppose to be happy right??

Thats not the case!

The whole time i was @ the hospital I had to hold back me tears!

I didnt even want to hold her!

Why?

Because it hurt so stinking bad!

I want to be able to hold my baby girl or boy.

I want people to come visit to me in the hospital!

Crazy to say, but i want to spend a few days in the hospital!!

I watched my friend get excited about the birth of her child, and all i could do was cry inside...

I smile big, and I act happy, but really I am not!

It hurt so bad to be in the maturnity wing, seeing all of the smiling mommies, and the crying babies.

Out of the 3 years that we have been trying this was the hardest day in my life! I kept it in until we got to our car, and I just cried like a baby...

My husband tried his best to cheer me up. it worked for a little bit.

But I still feel this void...

I want a child of my own!!!

After we left the hospital, we went and ran sn errans!

Our firends asked us to come back to the hospital, so we did!

I put my big girl panties on and held the baby...

my heart melted!

Hearing those coos, and feeling her breath didnt make it worst.

It made me remeber that GOD knows what he is doing... It made me remember his promis!

He knows the wants and the needs of my heart!

I just need to remember to put HIM first, and put ALL of my trust in him...

He wont let me down!

I just need to be patient...

So, On monday I am making an appointment for me and my husband, to see a specialist..

We want toget an SA done..

I want to get back on the Prometrium pills, and clomid... Like i did 2 yearsd ago! And I did ovulate, so that was good.

We do want to do things as natural as possible, but nothing is wrong with doing one cycle with help!

along with that I will be working out and dieting!

I dont want to get to crazy, or a head of myself!

A-Z survey!

A. Age: 21
B. Bed Size: King
C. Chore you hate: putting away laundry... I hate it!!
D. Dog's name: CoCo, and Tippy

E. Essential "Start the Day" Item: The word! aka Bible
F. Favorite Color: I love pink and cream...
G. Gold or Silver: White Gold
H. Height: 5' 1"
I. Instruments You Play: None!!!!
J. Job Title: Domestic Engineer! aka housewife
K. Kids: We want 5 or 6! Hopefully Our first will arrive in 2011
L. Living Arrangements:First time home owner!! I live in a 3 bedroom *soon to be 5* 1 bath *Soon to be 2* House. With my hubby
M. Mom's Name:Alicia *Rest In Peace Mommy!!! 1961-1993
N. Nickname:Tee

O. Overnight Hospital Stay:never
P. Pet Peeve:When hubby leaves his clothes laying around the house
Q. Quote From a Movie: "Anything For Selenas!!" From selena!! Thats the only onee i could think of LOL!!!
R. Righty or Lefty: Righty
S. Siblings: 6 sisters!!
T. Time You Wake Up: 7:00am

U. Underwear:I wear them! LOL I hahte thongs though
V. Veggie You Dislike: Eggplant
W. Ways Reasons You are Late: Im never late!
X. Xrays You've Had: Teeth and Ankle

Y. Yummy Food You Make:Soul Food!
Z. Zoo Animals You Like:bearssss!

Maybe baby??

Well, I am speaking it into existance!! I know that MY God is going to make me a mother!! I have a friend at church, and she calls me all the time, and she is always saying, This month your going to get pregnant! At first i was like yeah, he is... But I am just now recieving it and speaking it! also a few people have been having dreams about me being pregnant! The crazy thing is, they had their dreams in the same week! And my Pastors wife has been having a feeling that I will be getting pregnant here in the NEAR future! I am so excited to see what GOD has in store for my husband and I! I just gotta stay prayerful, stay in my word, and hokd on to his promise! It was funny I was talking to our Pastors daughter who is also pregnant, and she told us to do it the Seth and Brittany way which is doing it every other day! And It worked!! She is now 14 weeks pregnant! GOD is just so good! And sometimes I wonder how people dont believe in him! He has done so much for my husband and I, and it makes me cry, because if you put your trust in him, and if you are committed, he will answer thoise prayers! But you just cant pray until you get what you want! it needs to be a daily thing, you need to be in your word daily, and you need to be in church! I dont want to preach at you all but its what you need to do! GOD will not answer yor prayers or bless you until you are committed and faithful!

I am loving these giveaways!

There is ANOTHER awesome giveaway going on!!! Check it out!!!